


words fading in sadness (scattering in sighs)

by venusbot



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mostly Gen, Panic Attacks, anxiety :/, norenmin if u squint, this is purely self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 06:49:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venusbot/pseuds/venusbot
Summary: renjun wasn’t sure what he was doing, exactly, but this was where he came to sort out his thoughts and feelings. his home within a home.– or, renjun has trouble breathing.





	words fading in sadness (scattering in sighs)

**Author's Note:**

> hello !! this is a completely self-indulgent fic that i wrote to get myself out of a rly bad panic attack hh :/ i wasn't going to upload it at first but . whatever .  
> tw for descriptions of a panic attack and mentions of a family member dying, take care of urself<3 
> 
> title from luna's "breathe"

_inhale._

the city slumbered, the quiet spreading all throughout the winding alleyways. 

_exhale._

a crushing silence. 

_inhale._

the velvet of the night was all-consuming, dark and still against the lit buildings. 

_exhale._

a suffocating blackness.

_inhale exhale inhale exhale._

renjun wasn’t sure what he was doing, exactly, but this was where he came to sort out his thoughts and feelings. his home within a home. on other nights, normal nights, one could see the stars spread across the wide expanse of sky: twinkling and smiling and  
constant, the one rock in his life. even when everything else went to shit, the stars where there for him. yet today, they were gone. gone gone gone, disappeared behind the blanket of pollution and fog and contamination just as all other things. 

_all things come to an end._

_inhale._

he took another step forward, resting his hands on the railing. 

_exhale._

when he was younger, renjun’s mother would bring him out to the balcony and point out all the constellations decorating their galaxy. she would tell him stories about each one, making them up on the spot and changing them every day. the bear who lost himself in the forest, only to be rescued by a hunter with a magic belt. the girl who was chained to side of a cliff, left to pay the price of her mother’s vanity. the birds who answered every beck and call, but at an expense. the crab and the swan and the nine-headed hydra. 

_inhale._

sometimes, renjun would create his own stories. he would point at a random order of stars and name them his own. back then, he didn’t understand what he was doing. stars weren’t one’s possessions, nor were they slaves. they could not be controlled. 

_exhale._

his mother taught him that, later: taught him to never claim things that he didn’t have the right to. taught him that stars were living beings, and living beings each had their own rights.

_inhale._

but she was gone now. she was gone, just like the stars, just like all the light. 

_exhale._

she was gone, and she wasn’t coming back. 

_inhale. exhale._

“injun?” 

renjun didn’t turn around at the voice, instead settling for murmuring a sound of assent. he wasn’t up for conversation at the moment – at any given moment, really.

_inhale exhale._

light, almost soundless, footsteps made their way over to where he was standing. out of the corner of his eye, renjun could see that jaemin looked like he wanted to say something, but stayed quiet, as if having read the other boy’s mind. the older sighed. 

_inhale._

the last time renjun had come here with jaemin was when he’d wanted to show him the stars that he’d grown up with. jeno was there too, of course, and the two younger boys had listened to renjun’s stories like they held the secrets to the universe. 

_exhale._

hearing jaemin’s breathing, paced in time with his own, made renjun feel more grounded. more solid, less like he could float away at any given moment and no one would care. without thinking, he reached out for jaemin’s hand. 

_deep inhale._

the other boy’s hands were warm, so so warm. renjun knew that his own were probably extremely cold, seeing as he’d been outside for around an hour or two now. he could see jaemin shiver, and almost retracted his hand from the other’s – but jaemin just took his other hand into his own. 

_exhale._

“you’re going to catch a cold, if you stay here any longer.” 

renjun opened his mouth to say something in response, but the words got stuck in his throat. his apology – what was he apologising for, anyway? – felt sticky and heavy and lacking. thankfully for him, jaemin seemed to understand. (he always did.) “i’ll get you something warm.” 

renjun blinked, attempting to protest – but jaemin had already left. 

_inhale exhale._

suddenly overcome with a wave of exhaustion, renjun’s knees buckled under him. he genuinely didn’t know how long he’d been standing there (it couldn’t be more than a couple hours, could it?), but it was safe to assume that it was a lot. standing still in one position for such a long time would definitely have its effects on him. 

_inhale._

renjun sat down, right where he was by the railing. 

_exhale._

his mind was fuzzing up again, and he felt like it was stuffed full of cotton. 

_inhale exhale._

he rested his head against the railing, hoping that feeling the cool metal would help jolt him back to reality. 

_breathe, renjun._

_inhale exhale._

panic attacks weren’t exactly an uncommon occurrence for him, but as of recently, he’d stopped getting them. maybe it was the people that he surrounded himself with, or maybe he’d been distracting himself – whatever it was, it wasn’t enough. because here he was, on the verge of one, and seemingly out of nowhere. 

_**inhale.**_

the voices were getting louder and stronger and bolder and it was too much, it was all too much. 

_**inhale.** _

he wanted to cry, wanted to yell and scream and shout but the sounds wouldn’t come. 

_**inhale.** _

“renjun.”

he wanted to turn around, he really did, but he couldn’t. he was stuck where he was, almost as if glued to the floor.

 _ **inhale.**_

warm arms wrapped around him, cradling him and shielding him from the rest of the world. renjun closed his eyes entirely, trying to clear his mind and just breathe. 

_**inhale.**_

jeno’s hands stroked renjun’s hair with soft, linear movements. jaemin held onto his hands, rubbing them within his own.

_**inhale.** _

renjun felt so, so helpless. 

_**inhale, inhale, inhale.**_

“we’re here, injun. we’re here. you’re safe.” 

“just breathe.”

_just breathe, renjun._

_inhale exhale._

**Author's Note:**

> skjsjk i hope u liked whatever ,, that was yee come talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sapphicgin) or [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/fthwalls) !


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